Dying to be Saved
by Wastedsoul
Summary: Severus Snape enters his fifth year at Hogwarts, feeling more lost and alone than ever. Will anyone notice the changes that are happening? Or will Anorexia claim yet another victim? Warning this story contains themes surrounding eating disorders and may be triggering. Read with Caution.
1. Chapter 1

Dying to be saved

Chapter One - Introduction

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. Although I very much wish I did they belong to the very wonderful J..K Rowling. Italics will be thoughts and xxxs scene breaks. Please be warned that my fanfiction could be triggering, so please read with caution. Thoughts and idea are welcome, and in fact encouraged. Please enjoy.

Severus Snape had always been an outsider. Since he was a child he had struggled to maintain friendships with the one exception of Lilly Potter. As such he could hide in the shadows, especially since no one really noticed him. In reality though he just wanted someone to care enough to ask "are you ok?"

It had started in his 5th year of school. Lilly was spending more and more time with that bloody James Potter, leaving Severus on his own. Severus started doubting himself, in all areas of his life. He suddenly felt more inadequate than he did before feeling that he was just not good enough.

Severus had always had "disordered eating" but it wasn't until 5th year that the Anorexia really took hold. Maybe it was always there, in the background lurking, ready to strike. Maybe it was waiting for him to become more and more vulnerable, building up until it got to the point where he just could not take it anymore.

Could anyone save Severus? Or will this evil disease claim yet another young victim.


	2. Alone Agaiin

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. Although I very much wish I did they belong to the very wonderful J..K Rowling. Italics will be thoughts and xxxs scene breaks. Please be warned that my fanfiction could be triggering, so please read with caution. Thoughts and idea are welcome, and in fact encouraged. Please enjoy.

Xxxxxxx

The train bellowed a loud whistle, as Severus hurriedly jumped on board the Hogwarts Express. He had been dawdling around all that morning, unsure for the first time if he really wanted to go back to Hogwarts. Sure he loved that he was able to use magic, and he hadn't lost his love of knowledge and learning that had been with him since a young child, even through muggle school, yet he knew this year would be different. He knew that this year he had lost her.

The her, referring to none other than Lilly Evans. They had been childhood friends, ever since Lily had gotten her letter, and Petunia Evans her jealous and unforgiving sister, had cast Lilly out deciding she was a freak and therefore wanting nothing to do with her. It had been Severus who had taken Lilly under his wing, showing her that her magic could be a good thing, and wiping her tears as she cried about her sister. They had remained friends at Hogwarts, Lilly returning the favour to Severus when the four marauders had teased and bullying him for no apparent reason. But now Lilly was going out with none other than James Potter and everything had changed. She stopped hanging out with Severus, and started spending every waking moment with James. This had all happened at the end of fourth year, and even over the Summer holidays Severus had started seeing her less and less. Oh yes, he knew this year would be very different.

Severus walked through the train, finding at last a empty compartment. Always a quiet child, and an even quieter teenager he valued his own space and always found it easier to stay calm when it was quiet. He had been so anxious that morning at the thought of returning to Hogwarts that he had started to feel physically sick. He needed time to just read the latest potions journal, letting himself soak up the words on the page. Yes that's exactly what he needed.

Finally settling down into the seat Severus closed his eyes for what he thought was a split second, waking shakily and realising that the train was nearing Hogwarts.

_At least nobody disturbed me_

He thought both happy and sad at the same time. For although he was glad for the peace and quiet, the fact that nobody even bothered to come in and say hello, or even notice that he was there spoke volumes. It meant that just as he feared. Nobody cared about him.

Severus began to change out of his muggle clothes and into his school robes. He frowned slightly as he took in the sight before him. He by no means thought he was fat, but he was slightly disturbed by how round he was becoming, or well thought he was becoming.

_No wonder nobody wants to be seen around you. You're so rotund. That needs to change._

Came a voice in his head. Severus recognised it as the voice that had always pushed him to work harder, achieving the top grades in most of his classes. It was the voice that laughed with the others at him when he failed or stuffed up. It was the voice he had always listened to, to get him through the day. And it seemed more important now than ever that he start listening to it. It seemed comforting and he felt as he made the decision to listen as if the huge weight that had been on his shoulders all summer, might finally start lifting.

Xxxxx

Severus quietly made his way down to the dungeons, and through the corridors leading to the Slytherin common rooms. He felt bloated and nauseous even though he had only picked at his dinner, having lost his appetite on the train when he had changed.

He couldn't understand how he hadn't noticed what he had looked like before, I mean it was so damn obvious that he was chubby, so why hadn't anyone pointed it out to him before?

_No wonder Lilly can't stand to be within 5 feet of you _came the voice in his head.

Severus felt a single tear roll down his face and quickly brushed it away. He was a Snape goddamit and Snape's did not cry. Finally reaching the common rooms, he let out a small sigh of relief as he made his way to his room. Professor Slughorn who was his head of house, had requested that all students from fourth year up, have their own private rooms rather than the traditional 4 bed dormitories, believing that it was better for his students to have the option of privacy if they so desired it. Not for the first time, and certainly not the last, Severus was extremely grateful that this rule had come into place.

He quickly changed into his night clothes, taking care not to look at his body and jumped into his bed. He needed a good night's sleep before his classes in the morning, especially since his first lesson was Potions with the Gryffindor's.

_I'll show them all up in the morning. I'll show them how good I can be._

With that last thought, he closed his eyes and fell asleep.


	3. Hell Begins

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters. Although I very much wish I did they belong to the very wonderful J..K Rowling. Italics will be thoughts and xxxs scene breaks. Please be warned that my fanfiction could be triggering, so please read with caution. Thoughts and idea are welcome, and in fact encouraged. Please enjoy.

Xxxxx

For Severus Snape the weeks seemed to be dragging by. He seemed to be becoming less interested in everything as the weeks went by. Even his favourite potions periods seemed to not matter as much as they used to, but he knew this could also be due to the fact that he knew most of the coursework already. Even Professor Slughorn had often remarked how Severus really was the most talented potions maker that he had seen in all his years of teaching.

The only thing that he had noticed, that had made him even the slightest bit happy was losing weight. He had finally found something he could control, something that was his and his alone, and it was something that nobody could take away from him. It sounded so clichéd, even to him, but for reasons unknown to him he just couldn't stop. Not now, not when he was getting so good at something everyone wanted to be good at. Dieting.

_Is this really a diet though?_

Came the familiar voice in his head, that continued to get stronger and louder as the days went on. It was the voice that told him to eat less and exercise more. It had become almost like a friend, and Severus had found that as long as he listened to the voice, he could stay calm and almost be free from the anxiety that had plagued him in his previous years at Hogwarts. It even made seeing Lilly with Potter a little bit more bearable. Not completely but it did help.

Severus had always been slim, with his average weight being between 122-127 pounds. He had never really worried about his weight before, especially being at Hogwarts with the daily feasts. Now however he had dramatically reduced his portion sizes and had begun sneaking into the prefects bathroom every morning and night to weigh himself.

_ 118_

_Getting better, but still need to lose more_

Came the voice in his head as he stepped off the scale slowly, and quickly redressed. He always made sure that he was in the prefects bathroom by 6am, to ensure that he didn't run into anyone. Firstly because he was not supposed to be in there, and secondly because he didn't need the awkward questions. He pulled out his small notebook that contained all his weights and quickly wrote the number down, making a mental note to owl order his own pair of scales.

Xxxxx

Severus sat at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall at breakfast, watching in both a mix of awe and disgust, as his fellow housemates scoffed down enough food to feed a small army. He was amazed that nobody seemed to care at all, as to how many calories they were consuming, but for him every meal had seemed to become a battle. Every calorie had to be accounted for, and all of it had to be burned off through exercise.

"Severus pass the bacon, will ya" Theodore Nott's voice broke Severus's chain of thought, and he quickly passed the dish to the older boy. He stared down at his small bowl of cereal, silently pushing it away, and deciding that he would only drink his tea for breakfast. Tea was one of the few safe options he had. For now.

The more weight he seemed to lose the more the drill sergeant in his head got stronger. As much as he was a little afraid of this new voice, he was more scared that if he didn't follow it's rules, that it might leave him. He couldn't bare another abandonment not when it seemed that he had finally found a friend.

Authors Note: Sorry I know this chapter was really short, but just wanted to post something for you all to read. Future chapters will be longer, I promise :D


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